Verses By Beordoon

Musings of a Maskuraid…

THAT ONE TIME…

smell

Hey guys, here’s a quick question. Have you ever had to fake an orgasm to get out of err….a ‘situation’? Word on the streets is that ladies do this a – plenty but guys, has it ever happened to you?

Today I remember that one time I had to do it. Let me share with you, and when I’m done maybe you’ll be tempted to share too (if you have any).

There was this chic I met in the course of life way back, fine as can be, great smile, team laiskin’ and with a nice piece of tail on her. Her vital stats checked out, so I stepped up like a G and hollered. She hollered back. In next to no time we were vibin’ and soon enough we took things to the next level and agreed on a meet up to roll in the hay.

Long story sawn into little combustible pieces, judgement day came and we both got behind closed doors and disrobed. Now like every good carnivore I like to taste my meat before eating it, so when she was totally butt naked I headed south as part of my ‘warm her up’ routine.

Bad move people, bad move.

There was this funk I noticed as her pants came off, but which I disregarded at first in my pursuit of red meat. By the time I got within range of her epicenter however, the ooze was borderline overpowering. And then my eyes started smarting, as if tear gas was close by.

I swear I tried to soldier on like a real trooper, but the stink was such that I couldn’t get any closer without facing the danger of nasal/facial injury, so I beat a tactical withdrawal.

Meanwhile, my small boy hadn’t gotten the memo and was still standing at attention, patiently awaiting deployment. Now this was a chick I’d been talking dirty with since we started rolling, and who had promised heaven on earth when we finally did the do. Could I just totally forgo all that because of a little (or not so little) ‘fishness’?

With an invisible shrug, I mounted the ‘podium’ and started ‘preaching’.

Sad to say, her body had other plans. The more she got in the groove of things, the worse the smell got. Ten strokes into our inter-gender wrestling and the smell in that cold room had become weapon grade. I tried holding my breath for a while, but the air started changing colour (or so I thought) and my skin started itching (again, or so I thought). I knew I had to get out of there or die trying.

Almost every man hates discharging prematurely. That day though, I had no choice but to fake cumming in no time. Suddenly I started to thrash like an epileptic and moan as if a ghost was struggling to get out of my throat. Then I jumped up and scooted for the bathroom, but not before I saw the ‘WTF’ look of incredulity on her face.

Wetin consain me? It was a life and death situation fam. I rushed into the showers, scoured my entire body, came out and faked being summoned for an urgent meeting. That was how I made my escape. All the way home R. Kelly’s “You Saved Me’ played on repeat on my stereo.

After that day we never got intimate again, and though we dated for a while, I knew we weren’t going anywhere, so I waited for an appropriate period of time before I gave her the ‘it’s not you but me’ spiel.

That one time a brother had to fake an orgasm, not my proudest moment, but I’m sure y’all (and posterity) will understand.

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6 Comments

  1. Dolapo Omowunmi

    Jesus! Got me laughing real hard! I feel that Brother’s pain

  2. Beordoon

    LOL. It was meant to make you laugh.

  3. Beordoon

    She replied a .45 with an RPG.

  4. Sonia

    You should’ve said something. Yea, truth hurts but last last, she’ll be all the better for it.

  5. Beordoon

    You wantu jeopardise my life ba?

  6. Néomi Samuel

    That awkward moment when am in the changing room of the public swimming pool and some other girls enters to swim and the colour and odour of the room changed. That was the last time I went to a public pool

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