Nigeria – “Oh see, a problem! We need a solution to this.”
Response/Action – 1. Set up a committee. Note that there must be representatives of all geopolitical zones and religions. Balance is not just a word, it is a Nigerian. Unity in diversity.
2. Elect a Chairman and other ‘Exco’ members. Remember yes men and the next elections when you share this green and white cake. In your best interest.
3. Give them an office/offices. Abuja and Lagos are preferable regardless of where the problem is located. Employ plenty support staff to man the ‘secretariats’. Aides and aides to the aides to share aid. The more the merrier. Thirty million people cannot be wrong.
4. Buy operational vehicle(s). The bigger or more luxurious, the better, as the gospel will not propagate itself. Make them bulletproof, because, village people. Don’t forget sitting allowance/ estacode too. A hungry man…is not an Indomie pack. You gerrit.
5. Organize conferences in different geopolitical zones of the country where people gather in one big hotel to eat and sleep (alone or with each other is not your business). Spend millions to print souvenir bags and folders, maybe tee-shirt and face cap. Make them abundant because people at home must get something. Is that not why they’re called souvenir?
6. Organize fact-finding missions within and outside Nigeria. Ensure there are many protocol officers on the trips, fine yellow girls them, awon omo thicker body. Body is not stone you see, and where two or three are gathered, diarisgod. Emem!
7. Produce paper(s) (whether white or blue) calling for a return to the drawing board. Never mind that the board has been chopped up as firewood to cook beans for one hungry man somewhere in the south south, or the poor thing is tired of being returned to every time.
8. Repeat the above-listed steps as many times as possible with little or no variation. Note that I didn’t mention ‘until the problem is solved’.It is an industry, a never-ending story. As it was in the beginning, so shall it be in the end. Don’t get it twisted, #Wo!
Problem – Years later, still unsolved and thriving, assured of a long and healthy life while laughing hysterically at the next set of ogoro who say they want to solve it. DJ Zeez’s ‘Same ni’ is the preferred soundtrack. Actor nor dey die.